c-PTSD Journals

This has been a year of a lot of change internally for me. A time of growth. A time of shedding layers of my ego to reveal and relish who I really am inside. It has been freeing, liberating, scary, terrifying in some moments, but I would not change a single thing.

A year ago I was drinking heavily, using drugs of various sorts, mostly uppers to keep me going through the booze, having risky sex with many partners, constantly battling colds, unexplained fevers, STIs, nightmares, mental confusion, and loss of sleep and direction in life. I don’t know how I survived all of that.

Now I am trying to recover. Physically, emotionally, mentally, spiritually. I am taking medication for the first time to try and alleviate my anxiety. Dark, low, and weird thoughts still occur and I still generally want to not be around people. It takes a lot of energy from me and also causes me a lot of stress just thinking about being around anyone, sometimes even my children or friends. Especially if there are even the slightest feelings of conflict. I probably need some anti-depressant to help me. I’ve almost completely lost interest in sex.

I look back sometimes and think, wow, how could I have done that or why did I waste my money on that? But those things, those times, those experiences, those interactions were very necessary for me to get it where I am now. I am deeply thankful for it all. I am grateful to my higher self that I did all of the things that I did; that I met all of the people that I met, that I loved who I loved. It was all good and necessary for my growth, for my Inner Being to come out into the light.

My turning point came the first week of last year when my teenage daughter found me naked and unconscious in my bathroom, curled around the toilet on the floor in an unnatural position. I had taken a cocktail of alcohol and who-knows-what-else. I don’t remember any of it. But when I came to, I promised her that would never happen again. I spent most of 2021 in an effort to get clean, sober, healthy, and to get help for myself.

I’ve since joined a 12-Step program, stopped drinking, take no drugs besides my meds, spoke honestly with my physician, shaved my head, changed my phone number, stopped contact with all of my old friends, got a job, did several body cleanses, taken up a meditation practice, and started this blog. I need to add in a regular exercise habit, I know it will help as I always feel very good when I move my body.

Shedding old things is a difficult process – or at least it has been for me. It felt at times like I was leaving myself behind – or what I think I am. Moving forward has felt lonely at times and left me wondering who am I? I am still working through it. I am not done. Actually, I don’t even know if we as humans can completely be rid of that ego mask layer while living in this realm. The only time I feel it completely gone is when I am deep in meditation. It feels as though I am just aware. I like those moments.

What does the new year hold for me? I don’t have to say that I don’t know any longer because I will create my reality. I have intention in my heart. I will create my days and attract what I want in my world and in my reality.

I long for greater peace internally and greater awareness – even though I feel that it comes with deeper pains. Financially, I am on a pathway to paying off all of the debts that I owe and on to paying off my student loan after that. That makes me feel like I am making some good progress. I don’t know yet what I will do about housing; my mortgage is paid for the year but I long to live back in the mountains or move up to the Oregon coast where the air and environment are cleaner than where I live now. I’ll cross that bridge when I get there. I will paint more too, subjects that resonate with me like snowy pine trees and the ocean, simple green meadows, and wildlife, especially wolves and owls.

This will be a good new year for me.

Love and peace,

Sara