c-PTSD Journals

“Learn from yesterday, live for today, hope for tomorrow. The important thing is not to stop questioning.” –Albert Einstein

I started taking Zoloft.

My therapist listened to me describe symptoms of what she said sounded like panic attacks: pounding heart, sweaty palms, shallow breathing, a tightness in my chest, feeling completely out of control and the sound of rushing of my blood in my ears. And fear. Fear of things that normally aren’t fear-inducing. Like the text from my neighbor that my dogs were bothering his chickens. I screamed in my car as I raced recklessly at top speed home to put them back in their confines. My hands shook and I screamed as I drove.

I’ve lived like this for a long time. A very long time. As long back as I can remember, in my teens. Everything in life felt exaggerated in the realm of fear. I grew up accustomed to being afraid. Reading a simple sentence in a book at times was enough to start this hollow feeling of dread and then the racing of my heart, it’s pounding so hard that I could look down and see my shirt moving, and the panic that nothing, fucking NOTHING could go right in my life. And if it did it was by the seat of my pants.

I didn’t try medication a few years ago when I was dating a soon-to-be-psychiatrist. I thought he was just being condescending and a know-it-all and that he was trying to tell me that I was broken, that I wasn’t enough, that I couldn’t get better on my own. Now I look back and I’m like, shit, I could have saved myself a lot of fucking bad days.

I also had the fear of being dependent on a substance, on a medication. I was scared that it would change who I was somehow and I wouldn’t be me. Well, I needed a goddamn change.

I am thankful that I called my insurance last week and then called the list of psychiatrists. I got help right away. I needed it. I guess I didn’t realize how much I needed it. I’ve only been on the medicine for five days now and there is a marked difference in everything. I feel even, balanced, for the first time in my life. I don’t feel like my emotions are the things that are in control of my reactions anymore. This is monumental. I can actually THINK through a situation without having a complete breakdown. I watched as my dog got out the yard to run across the street and a car grazed her. I normally would have literally screamed and cried and wondered why the fuck life was so fucked up without just thinking logically for a solution – I need to repair my fence.

I’m also sleeping better. I’m also not reaching for food every five minutes to comfort myself or whatever else eating when I’m not hungry is doing for me. I have steady energy for most of the day. I feel more confident about myself, too. The first day I took the medicine I woke up in the middle of the night and something was off. It took me a moment to realize what it was. The dark feelings of dread, doom, anxiety, and thoughts of my death were not there. I normally think about my death, my exit from this life and what it will be like before I go to sleep. I don’t know why. But it felt very strange to not have those emotions and thoughts, like a white blank sheet of paper or a sunny morning when you wake from a perfect dream.

I have hope in life again. I have hope that my days will be lived with more purpose. I simply feel a happy hope.

I hope it stays this way.